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Forgotten Letter

This letter was written many several years ago and since forgotten. I think it needs to be said agian

To my dear daughters of ZION,

Many Valentine Days ago. I got a gift from Brittany. It was her testimony. I always hoped my other children would follow suite someday, but I got to thinking that it would be a great time for me to express my feelings and testimony on certain matters. So here goes!

For those of you who have already taken your driver’s test, I hope you can appreciate my analogy. Those of you who haven’t I am sure you can relate.

 Life is so much like taking your driver’s test for the first time. At first you do everything in your power to get a perfect score. You put your hands where they belong, you sit up straight, you are aware of the world around you, you’re quiet towards the instructor even if they make a remark that pisses you off and you’re anxious to do your best and pass the test. With all the preparation you make, in learning the rules of the road and practicing behind the wheel, we are extremely anxious to do well and hope to pass with flying colors. EVEN after all that a majority of us fall short. We barely pass our driving test and after some disappointment we forgive ourselves and say yahoo we can drive. 

Then we get sloppy. We slouch behind the wheel, we crank the radio and we ignore the world around us. We only recognize the lousy drivers around us and not notice the mistakes we too are making. Our insides of our cars become a huge mess most of the time. The outside constantly needs washing. When tend to speed too much and maybe even get in a car accident or two. And sometimes we learn from our mistakes and clean out that car, wash it, sit up and turn down the radio so we are aware of the world around us and get our driving SHIT together. And thank heavens for accident forgiveness insurance policies!

Such AS LIFE. We can do everything in our power to pass with flying colors and still fall short. Luckily we have the atonement. WE can’t be perfect without him. No matter how hard we try to be good, do good, and follow his plan we will fall short. Some mistakes are more obvious than others and some we may never recognize them until judgment day. That day when all things are shown unto us and we will embrace the atonement even more so than normal and be perfected in Christ so we can in return live with him and our heavenly father once again. 

However, knowing this is no accuse to get sloppy, we must not go into each day with an attitude of “its OK if I screw up cause I can repent later.” God knows are hearts and he will not be mocked. Sometimes we do make mistakes knowing flat out they are wrong.  Some of us know more than others  for example my children know are bodies are temples  and that they are blessings  from God but yet some of you will choose to tattoo them and have maybe even think about or get extra piercings. You know it’s wrong but you may do it anyway.  We know the Ten Commandments and all of you including myself have broken those. We all know sex outside of marriage is wrong but even I have failed at that one.  Still through proper repentance we can repent in all things. The most important part is wanting the desire to become better, wanting to improve your life, wanting to be a full tithe payer, wanting to keep all actions with your fellow man true and pure. We won’t be perfect in this life, but please don’t use that knowledge as an excuse to have an attitude of I will repent for it later.

Life is a full out amazing roller coaster. It makes you sick excited scared filled with laughter and joy and full of ups and downs. And at some point it will come to a complete jolting stop. That’s when are ride is over and another one will just begin.

I hope that I as a Mother, I can continue to be the best example I can. I know I am not even close to being a perfect mother. I also hope that you will all know that no matter what your mistakes in life I will always love you. ALWAYS!  I won’t sugar coat the truth to make your mistakes easier but I will hug and support you through them to help make them easier. True repentance is never easy but it’s worth it. So carry on my daughters of Zion. You are raising what could be the last generation of Saturday warriors.  Don’t beat yourself up every day for your mistakes be accountable to them and don’t sugar coat them  so much that you tend to justify every wrong action.  Don’t be hypocrites. Don’t go to the temple unworthy and don’t take the sacrament when you shouldn’t.  Talk to your Bishops often and always prayer. Repent all the time for everything you recognize to be not right in your heart. Love your family first especially your spouse. Nothing else will matter one day.

The world will teach you to justify everything!  That we make no mistakes. WE are BORN THAT WAY.. Sort a speak! That attitude is not true and it’s not the world will have us on our knees when HE comes. He will have the world on its knees. He will take it back and what has become “socially acceptable” will not be when he comes.  It is our Savior we have to answer too. Our Heavenly Father and even our families and those we have wronged.  We will redeem ourselves some day and I hope that through the atonement and grace and love your redemption will be an easy one.  The Church is true and we are so blessed to be members of it. Don’t abuse the knowledge you have. Learn from it let it, continue to grow and keep moving forward. I love you all with all my heart.  NO MATTER WHAT MISTAKES YOU MAKE! I hope you don’t shut me out forever. I will always do what I can to help you through it. I am far from perfect, and I will never be perfect but I do believe in the atonement and it has saved my life a number of times. I hope you never have to go through as much repentance as I have, but what very you do go through you’re not alone. You have the Savior and your mom!

PS. It s nothing new to hear me say your all beautiful! I am a little proud at times at how  Beautiful my girls are, I hope you all grow to be just as beautiful on the inside too, if not even more so.

Love you

MOM 

Being a Peace Maker.

One of the greatest messages given to man by Jesus Christ is known as the Sermon on the Mount.

all of the basic principles in man’s relationship with others are included in this great sermon.

this sermon is commonly referred to as the Beatitudes, and these begin with the word Blessed. These Beatitudes outline conditions which bring about peace and happiness. the Savior wants us all to be peacemakers as he said, 

“Blessed are all the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” (3 Ne. 12:9.) matt 5:9

Way back in 1974

Elder Theodore M. Burton

Assistant to the Council of the Twelve

Gave a talk and said

It is impossible to pick up a newspaper or listen to a news broadcast without learning of some new quarrel among nations, some new argument among politicians, some new expression of prejudice against a race or a people, or some new outburst against a person or an idea. When I read or hear of these continuing disputes, I am aware of their negative nature. People nowadays seem to be continually against something or somebody. We appear to live in a negative era. What could have brought all this about?

The answer appears to me to be that each person today wants to “do his own thing,” to demonstrate his complete independence of everything and everyone. We forget that we are not, and cannot be, totally independent of one another either in thought or action. We are part of a total community. We are all members of one family, as Paul reminded the Greeks at Athens when he explained that God “hath made of one blood all nations of men to dwell on all the face of the earth.” 

This is over 40 years old and yet reminds me of recent social media events seen on a daily basis, doing their best to separate race, lifestyle and even professions.

Today is no different than 40 years ago, in fact it is even worse. There is no easy way to regain the peace of a nation, and not one person can do it all to make the change. It would take an awakening of each community around the globe to start fixing and repairing the damage that has been done over the years. It would need to start with each individual having a change of heart and a true knowledge and understand that we are all part of the same plan. 

Brothers and Sisters I am not here today to talk about being a peacemaker in the community, although it is important to stand for what we believe and show love to all types of people regardless of where they live or how they live, where they work or the color of their skin, I am going to focus more on the home.

Being a peace maker in the home is the most important place to start.

Sometimes I see behavior towards siblings that would never be displayed on the best friend. I see disrespect to parents when the same child would never talk to his/her teacher that way.  Our families are essential to God’s plan so shouldn’t they be the most important place to start. The way we treat our family members and how we respond to them can make all the difference in the world between a happy home and a fighting home. And brothers and sisters it can get ugly sometimes.  It is often said that it easier to hurt the ones we love. I believe we take our families for granted and somehow think that no matter how we treat them they will always love us so therefore we can do and say whatever we want to them and it will never matter. However, that is not true.  You can destroy your future with your family by all the times you were cruel and thought you could get away with it. It takes forgiveness and change of heart even at home to make any change at all. Children are often better at being peacemakers than adults, but it seems to me that even children need to control their response to the sibling that is pushing their buttons.  When your brother or sister is doing something to annoy the other, screaming and yelling at them in response is certainly not going to bring peace. We may not be able to control the actions of others, but we can control our own, and if we choose not to respond just as negatively, and in some cases even worse, as the person pushing your buttons, then perhaps your response can gradually change the action of the initiator. 

You can choose not to hit someone back when they hit you; you can choose not to yell in response to be annoyed or being yelled at. You can choose not to call names when names are being called. So what can you do.

When your sibling hits you, walk away, if you have to tell your parents about it then let them do the punishing.  When your sibling is annoying you just for the sake of doing so, screaming shut up will only cause them to do it more. Ignore them or kindly ask them to stop. One of the biggest arguments in my home lately is : He is mimicking me…. It seems that no matter what I TELL MY CHILDREN in matter, ultimately it is up to them, I cannot make them be peace makers, the only thing I can do is try to be one myself. Which is also a challenge when you’re so tired of hearing the fighting over the smallest things. But each and every person must be accountable for their part in the home. They can choose to love their family members and treat them like their best friends or they can choose to test the waters and push them right out of their lives. I for one would love to see my children best friends for the rest of their lives, I would love to see them forgive each other and respond better to annoyances, to not be so quick to anger. Even being the best example you can be, will not change all reactions around you, but the better example you are and the longer it takes for you to react poorly, the better off the home will be.

 Children parents are not always perfect; we make mistakes too. Forgive them like you do your best friend and see what a difference it can make. The second greatest commandment is to do unto others…. If we all take the time and put ourselves in the others shoes, how would we want to be treated, responded too, talked too? If you want respect, give it. If you want families’ members to listen to you, listen to them. If you feel overwhelmed in a task at home and want help, then do so when you notice it with someone else.

Have you ever noticed that when you smile at a stranger, they often respond back? I love the concept of pay it forward, whenever you do something nice for someone in the neighborhood it often has a ripple effect. Showing one act of kindness can be spread like wild flowers. This can happen at home too. 

Let us not forget it is always easier to do the wrong thing than the right. Satan rejoices in this because like the ripple effect of kindness the act of one wrong doing can to ripple in a field of the most horrible weeds.  Sometimes is will take 5 times as many kind acts to get a positive re action verse one wrong doing to get a field of negative ones.

In a talk given by Elder Franklin D. Richards

Of the First Quorum of the Seventy

In November of 1983

He spoke of an interesting example

A very wise bishop called several young people into his office and said to them: “I would like you to help me in an experiment. I would like to prove the impact and influence of one member on the spirit of the family. For one month, I would like each of you to be the peacemaker in your home. Don’t say anything about this to your family, but be thoughtful, kind, and considerate. Be an example. Where there is quarreling or bickering among members of your family, do whatever you can to overcome these faults by creating an atmosphere of love, harmony, and helpfulness.

“When you are irritated—and irritations arise in almost every family—control yourself and help the others to control themselves. I would like to see every home in our ward be ‘a bit of heaven on earth.’ At the end of the month, I would like you to meet with me again and report.”

It was a challenge for these young people, and they met the challenge in a wonderful way.

When they reported back to the bishop, remarks such as these were made. One young fellow said: “I had no idea I would have so much influence in my home. It’s really been different this last month. I’ve been wondering if much of the turmoil and strife we used to have was caused by me and my attitudes.”

A young lady said: “I guess we were just the normal family with our selfishness causing little daily conflicts. But as I have worked with my brothers and sisters, a lot of this has been eliminated, and there has been a much sweeter spirit in our home. I believe you really have to work at it to have the spirit of peace in your home.”

Another young lady reported: “Yes, there has been a much sweeter and cooperative and unselfish spirit in our home since I began this experiment, but the biggest difference of all has been in me. I’ve tried hard to be a good example and a peacemaker, and I feel better about myself than I have ever felt. A wonderful feeling of peace has come over me.”

Brothers and sisters of all ages, I leave you with this challenge. What would happen if all of your family member took on the challenge? Perhaps even just one of you become the best peace maker you can be for the next month and see what changes occur.  Our own divine nature is at stake, as well as the happiness of our homes.  

The Choice.

I knew I had a choice to make.  What was I going to tell my mother?  A woman who raised me to have such high morals and would never understand the details of the horror of that night that lead me to this. What was I going to tell my Employer? I loved my job. I loved being a nanny to these three wonderful girls that had brought so much joy into my world for the last 16 months. What my Bishop told me, had left me confused and shocked. “In this situation the church does allow abortion without guilt.” Without guilt? How could I not feel guilty? I had been drinking. I took what I thought was going to be a kiss, into a fast paced race to sex. Sex I didn’t even know was happening until it was too late. How could I be so naive?  How was I going to begin to explain what happen to me over the last six weeks to anyone?  These thoughts and more invaded my mind in a rage of anxiety. I was headed to the doctors and had to face the truth for real, a truth I already knew in my heart, but needed the firm confirmation that it was real. I was pregnant and it was from a night I could barely comprehend.

 I walked into the office and checked myself in. I sat down and looked around at the pregnant women around me. Some were so happy and one woman looked very uncomfortable and tired. She had a little one near her, as well as showing her baby bump of at least 6 months. The different expressions on the faces of each woman were different. Mine had to be the look of confusion. I closed my eyes and said a prayer. “Please Lord help me be calm and honest. Help me tell my doctor everything he needed to know so that I could get the help I needed with this decision.”

When my doctor came in the room he was looking at my initial information and looked up at me and said, “So you think you’re pregnant?” I couldn’t even believe it when I heard it flowing out of my mouth trying to catch the words in the air as they spilled out. “I was raped.” I said it out loud for the first time. ‘I was raped.’  The doctor’s look went from a corky smile to dismay. He sat down in the chair next to me and took my hand. “What happened? Tell me everything.”

I went over the night’s events in with him. I told him how I ended up in his house and the interest I had in the architectural details of his home. I told him I had been drinking, but not enough to feel like I couldn’t drive. I was the soberest of the bunch at the club that night. I had only had a couple of drinks at the beginning of the night and a wine cooler about an hour before we left. I was going to be spending the night at a girl friend’s house, and nearby was this strangers home. A stranger who had bummed a ride with us that night. I barely even talked to him at the club. I was too busy dancing for show.  It was something that I and my dance partner Nick were asked to do on a regular basis. Couples dancing, not pole dancing; I would tell people that often to make it more appropriate somehow, but it wasn’t appropriate. The dress, the style the excitement it brought the crowd. I was a former ballroom dancer and found a ‘Latin Lover’, well a son of a mobster who too loved to dance. The scene I portrayed to my public was not one of innocence.

I then told my Doctor the details that lead to my rapist’s apology and the hope it gave me that we would be working this problem out together. Except, I shortly found out he was back with a former girlfriend that was keeping him from doing anything to help me. The anger I had towards him and her lead to a second night of total outrage. Three weeks later from the first horrible night, I was so drunk.  I was devastated, ashamed, confused and sure I was pregnant but not officially. Other than a home pregnancy test with a light positive, I really wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure how accurate anything was. The only solution I came up with, was too drink some more.

 That night I had drank about 16 wine coolers and at least 6 Corona’s, maybe more. For the first time in my life I was drunk. I wasn’t tipsy. I didn’t just drink too much; I drank enough to be dead by morning.  But I wasn’t dead the next morning, I was just more scared than ever when I woke with a huge headache and sense of agony. I slowly got out of bed and I realized I was in my employer’s room. They were out of town for the week. They took the kids on a family vacation. They usually would bring me on such trips so that they could have me be there for the girls when needed, but this time it was a family reunion and I felt I should stay behind. I wish they had taken me with them.

 I looked around the room and recalled the bump on my head. It was still huge and I could almost feel the pain of it crashing against the back board of the bed.  I slowly got in the shower and as the hot water fell on my body, I felt a rush of flash memories of the night’s events. The drinking, the crowed room of friends and other’s I had met at the club along the way. Wait, I was up here with Chris! I remembered.  Chris was a friend of mine. He was actually the boyfriend of another friend. “What were we doing?”  I asked myself and then I remembered. He followed me up to my employer’s room. He grabbed me and pushed me on the bed. I kicked him but he picked me up and threw me up towards the top of the bed. I remembered him on me, as I was screaming and watching others’ walk in, then thump! I hit my head so hard on the back of the bed I must have been knocked out.  I didn’t know how many men raped me that night, but I found 5 condemns on the side of the bed, counting the couple in the trash can.  At that moment I was more concerned about the confusion of this day. This moment in the doctor’s office of having to look at him and say, “I don’t know for sure when I got pregnant.” I was sure that it was the first event. I was sure because of spiritual prompting I had that morning as I woke up with him on top of me as I slowly moved to get out of the house. I just lost my virginity and I heard a voice all too clear. “You’re pregnant. It’s a boy and he is for another mother.”  I left that part out, as I explained my concern to the doctor.

After I finished my crazy story and thought for sure he was going to recommend a stay at  a mental hospital, he paused for a few moments and said, “In this situation I would recommend an abortion. Let me do an exam and see if you are pregnant and then we will go from there.”   He confirmed to me that since the last rape event was only 4 days ago it was more likely that if I was pregnant it was from the first time.  My urine sample and blood were drawn and after what seemed to be hours, but really 30 minutes, the doctor came in and confirmed my worst fear. I was indeed pregnant. There was also alcohol in my urine which meant I was toxic. I had drunk so much that I should have been dead.  He was baffled by my astonishing miracle of life and said If I chose to keep this baby, he would be doing several ultrasounds and was concerned of the welfare of the embryo I was now carrying.  It was clear to me, he wanted me to get an abortion, if I didn’t miscarry first.

Great! I now had two people telling me to get an abortion. My Bishop assuring me it was alright and now my Doctor. I was more confused than ever. I couldn’t shake the feeling that abortion was not the answer.  I thought about it for a week. I went over every detail I could remember and what lead me to the first night. The night I became a vessel to another’s child.  I felt as those this child was here for a reason and although I didn’t understand why it had to happen to me, I knew he was to be another’s son. 

I called my mother and gave her the dreaded news.  I couldn’t tell my mother the details. I left out the date rape explanation and just told her I messed up and now I was pregnant. I asked her what she thought of abortion. I knew the answer. She was against it.  I knew she was. I was raised in the LDS church and was taught that it was wrong. She had initially hung up the phone on me, but 20 minutes later called back and we finished our conversation. She was in shock. How could her eldest daughter, one of virtue and always active in the church ever do such a thing.  I was her ‘good child’, the one who was always honest with her and never got into trouble. I couldn’t get into all the details that lead to the mistakes I chose to make over the last 4 months. I kept it simple. Simple was the only way not to hurt my mother more than she could bare. She suggested LDS family services and made the call for me as soon as we hung up. It was like she knew I was going to be putting him up for adoption. I know now, she flat out, just wanted me too.

 I immediately called the doctor back on Friday after I saw him and left a message for the nurse. I was keeping my child and to schedule the first ultrasound. I wasn’t sure of what my next step was, but I was sure I was having a baby and that abortion was not an option. I wanted it to be an option. I wanted to feel that it was alright to agree with both my Bishop and Doctor.  I wanted it to all be over with and pretend like it never happened. I wanted the chance to get through this sin and what led me here and move on with my life. I was going to take the hard route. The path of resistance. The journey down the next several months of my life that would bring so much change into my future.

Even now, as I reflect on the past and I wonder what would have happened if I just had gotten the abortion. I wonder if I would have ever told my mother anything. I wonder if I would have still had a chance with the love of my life. The love I lost of a man who I was certain to marry after his mission. I know I would have had to tell him about it, but I would have waited until after his mission instead of having to tell him while he was serving the Lord.  So many things would have changed in my life if I had chosen to terminate the pregnancy, but the biggest change would have been that my son, that precious soul that was selflessly given to another family, would not have come when he was suppose too. Still today as I write this, I know I made the right decision and I will no longer wonder the ‘what ifs’ in life. I could have made better choices after I gave him up, but my roller coaster ride of life has made me who I am now. Mistakes or no mistakes we all have choices that are made every day that change the course of our life. In faith and hope our Lord can lead us back on the right path and heal past wounds and lead us in a direction of eternal life. Every spirit has the right to be here, and for whatever reason God allows these souls in to the world under such dreadful circumstances of all types, we all are His children and abortion will never be an option I even think of again. 

When Does Human Life Begin?

When Does Human Life Begin?

When does human life begin? This is a question that has been argued for years, by medical professionals, mothers, fathers, and politicians. Any biologist in the world can answer when does life begin very simply.  Donna J Harrison M.D., states, “A mammal’s life begins when the sperm from the father unites with the egg from the mother.  However, answering the question, “When does human life begin?”, is much more debated among society. A better understanding of this question would be to ask, “When is a human considered a person?”

                The most practical answer to this question has been known as, the ability to survive outside the body defines when a sustainable human life begins. If that is the most practical answer, then why do so many states have different limits on pregnancy for what is a legal time limit for abortion? Arkansas abortion is at 12 weeks, New York at 24-26 weeks. Oklahoma and many others at 20 weeks or 22 if it is to save the life of the mother. The state of Colorado is at 34 weeks. Oregon, has no time limits at all on allowing an abortion to take place by mother’s consent, yet they have a ‘No Kill’ Law against animals in a shelter. Meaning, they do not euthanize animals in the state of Oregon, nor will they perform a spayed operation if they find the animal is already pregnant, at the time of procedure. How could the state find that human life does not begin until birth and yet animals at conception? Each state base their laws by when they deem life as a human, or can live outside the womb. So when does human life begin? I believe human life starts at conception. From a deeper religious stand point Life has always been in existence and will be after death. From a scientific stand point, human life does begin at conception. Every science book is exact when it talks of the cycle of life, yet so many deem their laws on their own opinions and not facts.

As we look at the facts, at conception, both sperm and egg are living viable parts of male and female. If a female egg is not fertilized, the living egg then sheds itself and loses life. This is known as a women’s menstrual cycle. If an egg is fertilized then, a direct quote from a college science book titled ‘Life’ states, “Pronuclei merge, within 12 hours. After fertilization, the packets of DNA from male and female.” In 12 hours the sex of the human has already been determined.

As we go further into the time table of development we discover that the embryo implants itself in the first week.  On day 18 a heartbeat is found. These two facts lead to rule of the72 after hour pill and the argument, if you are pronounced dead when your heart stops, shouldn’t you be considered living, when it starts to beat? A very good point, yet even those that have had no pulse have been brought back to life and their hearts did beat again.   Therefore, I will state again that human life begins at conception.

                At 22 weeks, a fetus is now considered viable outside the womb, meaning if you lose the fetus before this time period it is considered a miscarriage, if you lose the child after this week it is considered a premature birth. This is the basis for many state laws on whether or not it is legal to perform abortions at 20 weeks or earlier.

                When we dig deeper we learn that the menstrual cycle of women is all about creating life and losing life. As women ovulate, our living eggs are getting ready, and even hopeful, at the chance of being fertilized. The egg needs the sperm to continue to grow and become an embryo then a fetus, then a baby is born into the world. All different stages of growth, yet all living stages. Just as a child grows and changes outside the womb, the same living being grows and changes before birth.

                Human life is viable at every stage after conception, and in reality, the potential for human life begins beforehand. During the nine months of pregnancy and all the days after birth, there is the chance of losing life.  Life lost can be by miscarriage, premature birth, still born, and even SIDS, has a critical time after birth. Each of us are awaiting the time that we do indeed die. Death is just as much a part of life as living is.

The physical loss at any stage, even during the menstrual cycle, can cause emotional loss for the woman. The woman who is bringing this life to pass has feelings and reactions to each of these stages in life. Why? Because eggs, are living even before conception, so therefore life is always in existence. In most religious stands, life begins before you are even born. Religious view point aside, there are enough scientific facts to prove that the potential for life starts, before conception. However, at conception, is the starting point of being human.  Human life beings at conception. 

More than Just Forgiveness.

More than Just Forgiveness.

I believe that the atonement is more than forgiveness.  I believe that blessings we once lost, can be restored to us.

When I was 16 years old I received my Patriarchal blessing. It was filled with amazing blessings and great hopes for the future. It discussed, and even described my future husband. It talked of my career, my role as a mother, the many souls I would have and also be entrusted into my home.  It talked of my influence on children and the influence of my own children. It talked of my home being separate from the world, and safe haven for not only my children, but others. I was excited for my future and longed to receive all that was promised to me. 

As my life went forward, I made decisions that took me on a path that lead me on a roller coaster ride, and just like the ride, part of it was terrifying and part of it was exciting. Part of it was worth it, even the mistakes I made.  When I was 18 years old, I headed out to West Chester County, New York, to be a nanny. I should have stayed in school and continued my education to become a teacher. But, I was conflicted and I let my confusion lead me there.

The first year was amazing and I loved every minute of it and I thought it was worth the loss of the school year and it may have even helped me become a better future mother. But, then a second mistake was made, I went back another year.  During that second year, I returned with a sad heart. My heart had longed to be close to my sisters again, and I was tricked into thinking that the only way that would happen, was to lower my standards. My sisters were on a road that was not of the gospel nor was it good in any manner. They were not clean, nor pure, and all of their desires where selfish ones. They drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, experimented with drugs and slept around. The new year’s night before my return to New York, my sister made a statement that embedded in my heart. ‘I can’t believe you are still a virgin and have never drank alcohol’. That statement effected more than I thought it would. Somehow I thought I was never going to be close to my sisters again unless I stooped; even if it was just a little.

A few months after I returned to New York, I started hanging out at clubs, and drinking occasionally, then that lead to smoking and that lead to portraying an image of a girl not pure. A young woman that surely was sexually active and could not possibly be a virgin.  That image that was displayed to others around me, lead me to a horrible night with yet, a profound lesson. I was raped. My virginity taken and I was left pregnant with a soul that was not to be my own. I will not go into the particulars of why I know my son was not to be mine, but I knew I was the vessel to bring him to another family. The bad decisions that left me pregnant and alone, also brought hope and joy to a family prayerfully waiting for a child. 

This one decision to go back to New York, with my heart filled with grief and torment, lead me down a path of many more wrong choices.  Years later I married the wrong man, had three beautiful daughters, who were definitely bestowed to me. I lead a single mother life for several years that did not included ever getting remarried.  I took the wrong path, the long path back to where I needed to be.

Now, years later and I have gained back most of that I was promised, just not as it was planned. I am a mom of many souls; his hers, and ours, but yet many!  I have had others in my home through the years that have needed a safe place to live.  Although, I am still not a teacher as a profession, I do teach children all the time.  I teach Primary, and even found myself around children in different times of my life, where I was a teacher of some sort to each of them. I finally married that return missionary, as promised. Alright, so I didn’t meet him among those who were living the gospel like I should have, but I truly believe that my Heavenly Father blessed me. He blessed my broken road, and gave me the full opportunity of coming back to him and I even received some of those blessing I had once lost. 

The atonement of Christ is more than just being forgiven. It also restores lost hope and faith. It is about second, and third and sometimes even fourth chances. It is about taking our pain away. Not only the pain with in our hearts, but also physically. Yes, even physically. I do not think that a woman could bear a child without the atonement, nor could woman, children, or men be slaughtered in such awful ways throughout history without the atonement. I truly believe it is there to helps us bare all pain. It is there for us in ways that are so much more than just being forgiven for our sins. It is there for us to also bare the sins of others, to get through tragedy we could not bear without it, to restore our broken souls from those who have harmed us, to bare up physical pain and to lift us up back to Christ and our father in Heaven.  Just as a parent would do anything to safe their child form pain, he too would do anything for us, even blessing a broken road that wasn’t even seeking hope at the time. I wasn’t looking to have my life back, yet he still gave me away to do it! Yes, I believe the atonement is so much more than just being forgiven. It is the only way back to our father and heaven and it is the way back to the tree of life, life eternal.