More than Just Forgiveness.

More than Just Forgiveness.

I believe that the atonement is more than forgiveness.  I believe that blessings we once lost, can be restored to us.

When I was 16 years old I received my Patriarchal blessing. It was filled with amazing blessings and great hopes for the future. It discussed, and even described my future husband. It talked of my career, my role as a mother, the many souls I would have and also be entrusted into my home.  It talked of my influence on children and the influence of my own children. It talked of my home being separate from the world, and safe haven for not only my children, but others. I was excited for my future and longed to receive all that was promised to me. 

As my life went forward, I made decisions that took me on a path that lead me on a roller coaster ride, and just like the ride, part of it was terrifying and part of it was exciting. Part of it was worth it, even the mistakes I made.  When I was 18 years old, I headed out to West Chester County, New York, to be a nanny. I should have stayed in school and continued my education to become a teacher. But, I was conflicted and I let my confusion lead me there.

The first year was amazing and I loved every minute of it and I thought it was worth the loss of the school year and it may have even helped me become a better future mother. But, then a second mistake was made, I went back another year.  During that second year, I returned with a sad heart. My heart had longed to be close to my sisters again, and I was tricked into thinking that the only way that would happen, was to lower my standards. My sisters were on a road that was not of the gospel nor was it good in any manner. They were not clean, nor pure, and all of their desires where selfish ones. They drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, experimented with drugs and slept around. The new year’s night before my return to New York, my sister made a statement that embedded in my heart. ‘I can’t believe you are still a virgin and have never drank alcohol’. That statement effected more than I thought it would. Somehow I thought I was never going to be close to my sisters again unless I stooped; even if it was just a little.

A few months after I returned to New York, I started hanging out at clubs, and drinking occasionally, then that lead to smoking and that lead to portraying an image of a girl not pure. A young woman that surely was sexually active and could not possibly be a virgin.  That image that was displayed to others around me, lead me to a horrible night with yet, a profound lesson. I was raped. My virginity taken and I was left pregnant with a soul that was not to be my own. I will not go into the particulars of why I know my son was not to be mine, but I knew I was the vessel to bring him to another family. The bad decisions that left me pregnant and alone, also brought hope and joy to a family prayerfully waiting for a child. 

This one decision to go back to New York, with my heart filled with grief and torment, lead me down a path of many more wrong choices.  Years later I married the wrong man, had three beautiful daughters, who were definitely bestowed to me. I lead a single mother life for several years that did not included ever getting remarried.  I took the wrong path, the long path back to where I needed to be.

Now, years later and I have gained back most of that I was promised, just not as it was planned. I am a mom of many souls; his hers, and ours, but yet many!  I have had others in my home through the years that have needed a safe place to live.  Although, I am still not a teacher as a profession, I do teach children all the time.  I teach Primary, and even found myself around children in different times of my life, where I was a teacher of some sort to each of them. I finally married that return missionary, as promised. Alright, so I didn’t meet him among those who were living the gospel like I should have, but I truly believe that my Heavenly Father blessed me. He blessed my broken road, and gave me the full opportunity of coming back to him and I even received some of those blessing I had once lost. 

The atonement of Christ is more than just being forgiven. It also restores lost hope and faith. It is about second, and third and sometimes even fourth chances. It is about taking our pain away. Not only the pain with in our hearts, but also physically. Yes, even physically. I do not think that a woman could bear a child without the atonement, nor could woman, children, or men be slaughtered in such awful ways throughout history without the atonement. I truly believe it is there to helps us bare all pain. It is there for us in ways that are so much more than just being forgiven for our sins. It is there for us to also bare the sins of others, to get through tragedy we could not bear without it, to restore our broken souls from those who have harmed us, to bare up physical pain and to lift us up back to Christ and our father in Heaven.  Just as a parent would do anything to safe their child form pain, he too would do anything for us, even blessing a broken road that wasn’t even seeking hope at the time. I wasn’t looking to have my life back, yet he still gave me away to do it! Yes, I believe the atonement is so much more than just being forgiven. It is the only way back to our father and heaven and it is the way back to the tree of life, life eternal.